Light

I often ponder the contrast between light and dark.

 I reflect on why the difference is so great and what the purpose of its relationship is. Until recently I had never fully given God the glory for the distinction between the two until one day I suddenly saw true illumination and an epiphany was made. God provides us darkness so that we can rejoice and worship in the light.

At the origin of all life we are surrounded by the perception of darkness. It is our own ignorance that brings us to the conclusion but nonetheless we arrive at the understanding before fully seeing the obvious refractions all around us. There is almost a suffocating physical presence to darkness. It is an existence starved from the vivid spectrum we take for granted everyday. In darkness we feel cramped, uncertain, and unable to see out ahead. Out of that darkness however, a tiny unstoppable spark can be lit. The spark flickers relentlessly and grows in frequency. It’s intensity multiplies every second from its conception. A single spark can grow to become blinding. The light extinguishes the dark and encourages more beams to shine through. 

I think about the heavens up above floating in silent emptiness. God created this matter all around us and then he gave it light as he always does. With a sudden flash of energy, a spark was lit and light has persevered ever since.

Sometimes when I think about light, I recall being in the woods evading capture during a training exercise in the Army. I was at a school where I was learning to survive as a prisoner of war. I had been on the run for around 5 days with no food other than the occasional snake I would kill and stuff in my pocket. Great effort was put into evading capture for as long as possible. If you fell short, you had to bear the annoyance of getting beaten longer than necessary. It's funny how occasionally your mind can betray you. I knew that the scenario wasn't real, but slowly my consciousness slipped into the reality that it was. During one of the cold nights that I was on the run and hiding on the forrest’s floor, darkness began to creep into me. Like a slowly rising tide following the cycle of the moon I couldn’t stop this inevitable submersion. I was treading frantically, each night of darkness was like an added weight stacked on top of me to betray my buoyancy. Eventually I couldn’t tread anymore and I started to sink. After a number of days I began to feel like I was suffocating. My mind moved from Ally to enemy. The trees that surrounded me along with the dark night sky caused me to feel panicked and trapped. The world was closing in on me. I was anxious, and restless. I was suffocating in darkness. I closed my eyes and began to pray. I forced the words over the low roar of my empty stomach. I prayed for reassurance. I prayed for the presence of God to wrap around me. When I opened my eyes I saw the stars and the light they provided. The glow of the moon shined down and reminded me that I wasn’t alone suffocating in empty space. The light reassured me. As I awoke the next morning, a butterfly landed on my chest and fluttered its wings in harmony with my anxious heart. The wings began to slow and with it so did my pounding chest. The butterfly stayed with me for a long time. It seemed to be looking inside, locked into an unbreakable stare. When finally it lifted and eventually flew away, it took the remainder of my anxiety along with it. How could such a small beautiful creature carry the burden of such a load away with unchanged levity and ease? 

When darkness comes, I think about a time just before I left for the military. My mother always told me to look at the moon every night no matter how far from home I wandered. She told me that she would look at the moonlight as well. that no matter how far the distance was that kept us apart, we would always be looking at the same moon and we would be connected in the light. I worked almost exclusively in darkness during my time overseas. As the sun would set and darkness prevailed, I would rise with it to hunt. I looked at that moon every night. Sometimes it was a quick glance and others it was an intentional moment I would set aside, but I always looked to the light of the moon. At the conclusion of those hunting periods I would rejoice when the sun would rise again as it always does. My body would crave the light after a few months of darkness. When I returned home I would lay under its warmth and bask in its goodness. Leaving those darkened hunts was like being reborn into the day.

When I think of light and darkness I think about how I’ve wanted children for so many years. I always desired a family to love and care for. I wanted God to provide me a family to fill my heart and for me to fill theirs.  For so long I felt like it was out of my reach and my heart ached in the dark lonely agony of that desire. I realized one day almost unintentionally that my heart could not be completely filled with anything but the Lords’ love, and without that I would never be truly happy or satisfied. I wouldn’t be able to love others as much as God called me to do without first filling my heart with a love of him. I began to fill my heart. As It filled I also began to pray for my wife. I didn’t know her at the time but I prayed that she was cared for and that God would shelter her in his refuge. I prayed that he would provide for her. I prayed that she didn’t feel alone and that her heart was protected.
I prayed for her every day.

Unknown to me at the time, my wife began to pray for me as well. The light that she had within her was so blindingly bright that everyone in her radius could see it shine. She was  brilliantly lit because she carried more than just her own illumination. She brought with her a wonderful little boy and the radiance of her late husband. Light within a physical form on earth is never put out, in fact quite the contrary,  light is just redistributed. I am always amazed at the expansion of size when two separate flames are joined together. Light grows exponentially. I prayed and God began to illuminate that dark corner of my life.

Mostly, when I think about the contrast between darkness and light I think about the first time I saw the ultrasound of my child. I sat there in the dark room holding my wife’s hand, looking upon a black screen at what appeared to be an empty and hostile environment. I remember thinking to myself how uninviting it looked inside there. Darkness covered the screen. The outline of my nine week old child the size of a small strawberry was barely visible. I stared into the blackness intently until suddenly, out of nothing, something amazing appeared. A tiny flicker of light was flashing inside of my wife’s womb. It flashed rapidly and with great strength. I stared at the light in amazement. Flash Flash Flash Flash.

It was so strong. God created that light amongst nothing but darkness. I couldn’t stop looking. It was my child’s heart beating unrelentingly. It pounded onward chasing out all of the darkness that surrounded it. It looked so strong. This little tiny flash that God created was just marching on to grow and bless our lives. There was a time that I honestly believed I might not ever see this spark of light and yet here I was staring into the light that God has created and gifted unto me.

I think about how I’ve come to know that no matter how dark the environment is or how empty we feel, as soon as we rely on God he provides an unmistakable light for us to follow. This light is always available but most people never stop to ask for it to be revealed. God is eternally waiting patiently to chase out this darkness in our lives and create our light. It’s up to us to ask and lean fully on the Lord. God is good. God is so good. He will always provide more light than we could ever need.